Dress // Oh Hey Girl • Harness // Jakimac • Boots // UNIF • Beret // eBay

I honestly can’t believe 2016 is over, it’s mental to think 365 days have gone by and the absolute whirlwind that has been this year. Globally, I think we can all agree it was shit. A horrendous chain of events that left our hearts heavy. The deaths of many beloved stars – Bowie & Prince hit me hard. The US presidential election. Fuck. A LOT. OF. THINGS. HAPPENED. THIS. YEAR. And although, yes 2016 was difficult for many but on a personal level this year was so much about perseverance if anything.

It’s funny for the last two years I’ve been doing year round tarot readings for myself and theme of this year was strength and without a doubt I have felt that energy in it’s utmost capacity. I actually hadn’t thought about it until sitting down and writing this but this has been one fucking hell of a shitshow of a year and even though the first few months were rather arduous, harrowing and discomforting my efforts have really paid off and not only that but that amount of shit I’ve achieved this year BLOWS MY FUCKING MIND!!! It’s been a year of tremendous growth, if you follow me on my Instagram and blog I know I keep reiterating this but bloody fuck I don’t think I’ve ever done such a goddamn 180. January 1st, will mark my official one year of being substance abuse free and I can’t believe how far I’ve come in that regard. Reflecting on this time last year things were hazy and disconnected, I liked the way detriment sounded. Girl like wildfire. Girl like devastation. Girl like bulletproof. It’s strange to really muster these words but I never really thought I’d ever feel real happiness or find it for that matter but this year proved me wrong. This year was about saying yes to many things instead of staying stagnant in the dark. It was about pushing through walls of fear. Just fucking doing it and seeing where I would fall. And even if I did, getting right back up and picking up all the pieces, reassembling it and walking it the fuck off. It was about starting a lot of things I only dreamed of doing, things that just floated in thought and graced my mouth but never put into action until now. I finally started dance, which is one of the copious amount of things that I’ve wanted to do for years but always felt discouraged. And even though I’m still a beginner I found out my passion for voguing, which has been a tremendous outlet for me and a beautiful and fierce AF art form in and of itself. I finally got my Learners cuz it’s been about fucking time I learn how to drive ha! I spontaneously enrolled in the Freelance Makeup program and am ridiculously inspired by the MUA community and tremendous support I’ve gotten so far. I started taking photos again. Collaborating. Making some dope shit. Met some incredible human beings these year. Spent three weeks in Italy with my family and being incredibly inspired by that trip. Went to Pemberton Music Fest with two lovely souls who I met this year and had the time of my life seeing some of my fave artists. From seeing FKA Twigs in the pouring rain wearing identical rain coats looking like dumplings to losing my shit seeing Die Antwoord for the 5th time and having a pretty wondrous moment with a goddamn rainbow hovering over the stage seeing Miguel. Having my cousin move to Vancouver, reconnecting with her and taking dance classes every week. That one day during Pride, dressed to the nines with my fucking tribe, soul sistas for life, the MOTHERFUCKING HOLY TRINITY and staying out till 7AM. Exploring my own backyard that this city has to offer with my love. Starting this blog it’ll mark it’s one year in about a month! Shaving off my eyebrowz (honestly it’s been one of the most empowering things I’ve done this year) and getting baby bangs. Fell in love with myself. Sat with the destruction. Pulled everything a part and in the words of my mother, SHUTUP. SIT DOWN. AND LOVE YOURSELF. It’s a delirious feeling to examine everything in retrospect, that we are always constantly in flux but I am so fucking proud of myself for having the courage to cast out the dark, light them fucking demons on fire and watch the ashes transpire into something magical, unimaginable and truly mesmerizing.

2017, I have no idea where you’re going to take me but lets hold hands and dance to the sound of the fucking unknown.

Girl like electricity. Girl like pistol. Girl like magic.

Much love to all you beauties.

xx

Dress // USED House of Vintage • Boots // UNIF • Necklace // SHOPDIXI

“The symbolism of the Scorpion is wrapped up in it’s ability to focus on it’s power, this is the Scorpions special gift. Scopions magic is the magic of “defense”. We all have to protect ourselves from threats. Many times we do not notice threats, but the scorpion was born to protect itself from invasion naturally. Scorpion Attributes and Power: If you get your power from the scorpion, such as one who is born under the zodiac sign of the Scorpio, then there are a few things to be mindful of. Even if you are lured by the scorpion, then the scorpion is the animal for you. Be mindful of its attributes and powers. If you are enticed by the scorpio, it is because you need to protect yourself. You were born with an innate power of self preservation, and you need to use this power at all times. The challenge will be to perceive your gift and more importantly, to use it.”

– The Hoodwitch

With Scorpio Season coming to an end in ways it is somewhat a relief. November is always the most hectic and overwhelming month of the year for me since everyone in my family is born this month including one of our doggos! I always find it mental how both my parents are born three days apart (Nov 9th & 12th) and how my sister and I are born a day a part by two years (mine the 22nd hers the 23rd) and of course Pom our first lil nugget is born on the 28th. This time of the year always possesses an abundance of high energy, a time for celebration but also I find it to be a month that also lends itself to being quite inquisitive, reflective and mystically powerful for me. In past year’s surrounding my birthday I usually experience some sort of identity // existential crisis if you will…no drama here right?! I think when I was younger I was always afraid of getting older, fearing I hadn’t accomplished all the things I wanted to do in my life amongst a spinning downhill spiral of negative self-talk but as I turn 25 tomorrow this year feel’s a lot different than any other. If anything, I feel fucking elated it’s a curious sort of bliss that I’ve been experiencing lately one I can’t properly describe. It’s all encompassing yet expansive, it’s the sort of light I’ve been speaking of all year trying to locate it and I feel as if I’ve finally been able to harness it and am still learning how to use it. It feels a lot like the sort of vibrancy everyone possesses but is a matter of really looking inwards, pulling everything a part and somehow assembling it all back together to see how it all works. The sort of light that comes with confronting all the pernicious elements of who you are and burning out the dark. The sort of light that begins with a single flame and eventually manifests into wild fire, one that can’t be put out. The sort of light that is mesmerizing and contains a certain kind of radiancy, celestial and divine.

xx

Dress + Boots // UNIF • Socks // American Apparel

This is basically my version of Wednesday Adams! Halloween is my favourite time of the year and I thought I’d bring y’all some casual dead girl looks. Although I am a fan of more warmer weather I can’t deny that all the anticipation of October leading up to Halloween is the most thrilling, considering it’s almost an exercise gearing up for the pandemonium that is November….basically the fact that my entire family is born next month shit get’s a bit cray. If I’m honest every day for me is goddamn Halloween because I am constantly that bitch who is a tad bit overdressed and as of late I’ve been having a lot of fun experimenting with my usual makeup routine. This holiday though has always held a certain magic for me, not only do I love seeing people turn out some rad costumes whether it’s witty, more glamorous or a bit frightening but the fact that I get to celebrate my friendship with my two best friends! That’s fucking right, the MUTHAFUCKIN’ HOLY TRINITY all first hung out five years ago today! I’m the most elated to be turning out some serious sick AF looks with these bad boys mixed in with a lil debauchery.

“‘Tis now the very witching time of night,
When churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes out
Contagion to this world.”

 William Shakespeare

And so my loves, I leave you with this quote.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL YOU FREAXXX. I HOPE YOU ALL EAT A SHIT  TON OF CANDY, SLAP SOME GLITTER ON YO FACE, FEEL FIERCE AF, STAY SAFE AND HAVE FUN! 

p.s if I see any of you fuckers with your ignorant culturally appropriating costumes you bet your ass Imma call you out and slap you.

xx

(My sistaaaahs be real stunners, Meg & Colby & I)

Dress // DollsKill • Boots // Alexander Wang • Harness // Jakimac

Pardon the randomness of this post, my mother took most of the images for the looks and although she has an eye for beauty she was having trouble trying to function my camera as she is not the most tech savy, bless her heart.

If anything I’ve really taken from my mother is that she always famously says to my sister and I, and basically everyone I know is to SHUTUP. SIT DOWN. AND LOVE YOURSELF. Quite the blunt woman isn’t she? These words are usually followed up by, “If you can’t love yourself how the hell are you going to love anybody else?” I can’t tell if RuPaul stole these words from her or vice versa but either way that’s some motherfucking straight up truth there. My mum is a fascinating human being, extraordinary in more ways than I can count, I’ve definitely inherited her complex (and at times savage) intensity, her endless creativity, her visionary nature, definitely her contingent moodiness, sharp sass, and overwhelming generosity and passion for life.

It’s funny growing up with my mum we are so damn similar in personalities that it often ended up in conflict. We both have reactive natures, moreso me than her if I admit it so you could only imagine what it was like living under one roof especially in a house full of Scorpios. Talk about mega intense energy emanating from all directions it could basically make one implode. Actually though. We joke a lot that I am most definitely her karma because of all the shit I put her through as the lil rotten teen delinquent I was and because (this is what she tells me) that she was quite the rebel herself as a youth and I am somehow her karmic payback. HA!

This trip to Italy meant a lot to her since we haven’t been on a family vacation in years cuz momma has been hustling like a maniac, I don’t know how she does it really. I couldn’t quite properly express to you even if I tried the captivating magnitutde of beauty that this country has to offer. These images were taken in the towns of Montepulciano, Montalcino and Pienza in Tuscany,  the countryside of Italy with endless rolling hills, greenery that extended for miles, and just like everyone says it really is like a fairy tale setting brought to life.

First and foremost if you should know anything about traveling with my family especially with my two sistaaaahs (okay Meg is my cousin but she’s basically my sibling) you will hear us for goddamn miles. My family is pretty mischievous, we definitely know how to have fun, not to mention if you get us three girls plus my dad laughing you can hear our maniacal cackles reveraberate like crazy. You should also know that if you get Colby and Meghan together they tend to enjoy singing….and dancing….in public with absolute zero iota of fucks given. And yes, I do commemorate them for unapologetically being themselves I, myself however get embarrassed fairly easily not to mention I know when on vacation and hanging out with them in general they will deliberately showcase their talents publicly to no avail.

We were in Tuscany for about four days and most of these pictures are taken from our second day where we spent the majority of the time exploring different towns and walking up a shit ton of stairs to see these stunning views encapsulating such magnificence. For one thing I’ve learned about traveling to Europe, cobblestones are not your friend. Guaranteed at some point if you’re wearing shoes that aren’t flat you will bail. You can only guess that that happened to all us girls on this trip followed by laughter and then assistance. All the adorable towns we visited had a castle or fortress of some sort, I remember the one in Montalcino we made our mum walk up the shady looking stairs to reach the looking tower she was so not pleased but we all cheered her on considering doing any activity that requires exerting a lot of energy is beyond her haha. It was windy as all fuck up there and climbing all those steps definitely killed my soul a little bit but it was worth it because the views up there were unlike anything I’ve ever seen or experienced before. Energy exists everywhere and every place you travel to holds a certain kind. Some places though they have a specific pull to it, a magnetic connection that only make sense to you when you experience it for yourself. Tuscany, is one of them. Magical in every sense of the word, whimsical and without a doubt romantic. My family and I were completely enamored by it’s charm and is a place I hope to return to and relish in it’s striking resplendence once more.

xx

Shirt // Jbiebz Purpose 2016 Tour (LOL) • Boots // Alexander Wang • Necklace // SHOPNIN3 • Sunnies // WildFox

I’m not going to lie this has been a hard one to write. After two years of having purple hair I decided to change my hair colour and for the past few months being this blue tone with turquoise hues has really been the start of a new era for me. If you’ve been following my blog for a while I speak a lot about the human condition, the strange duality and everything in between that plays a role in our lives. As much as this somewhat resembles your typical ‘style blog’ you will never find me writing about the garments on my body, although that isn’t too say that my personal aesthetic does carry an element to this platform, it is much more about the story telling for me. Looking at how we’re more than eight months into 2016 I have to say compared to this time last year where everything was far more destructive and harrowing I am doing a lot better. For the first time in a long time I feel proud of myself and that’s something I often forget to give myself credit for. When I really sit with myself and look at how monumentally fucked up everything was and felt in 2015 I’ve honestly done a complete 180. I’m no longer self-medicating and abusing a handful of vices that used to be my coping mechanisms and have extracted myself from toxic situations and people. Sure, the party is fun and you think it never ends but when you get sucked into a world thats nothing but a dangerous mixture of blurred nights, intoxication, deception and waking up with the heaviness in your heart you thought you had so innocently eradicated the night before accompanied by a delirious pounding in your head is it all really worth it? I’m definitely someone who takes things to the extreme and I often like to test my personal threshold. I thought for a while I was “invincible” purely enjoying life because I was going out all the time and made the all time excuse of ‘being young and free’ bullshit. Of course, there is a time and place to dance away the night and escape momentarily from life’s tribulations but I was more than knees deep in a noxious cycle of addiction and affliction without really being aware of it or anywhere near admitting it. For months I was in denial that I had a problem because my fucking dumb ass logic and Ego self got the best of me and assumed that I was still a perfectly functioning human being because I still (somewhat) managed to carry out daily duties like my job. I know that I’ve always suffered from depression and anxiety, something that’s accumulated and carried itself over the years as an eleven year old and into my adolescence and now into my twenties. So when parts of me were depleting and instead of asking for help, taking initiative and doing the work on myself I found solace in my vices. In the quiet, the war inside my head grew vehemently louder and stronger and my addictions were becoming out of control. I felt outnumbered by my demons but I still refused to do anything about it. It wasn’t until my partner relentlessly called me out on it and told me to get help. Although, that period of my life was absolutely sickening – quite literally and metaphorically – and a complete shitshow in the most horrendous way I count my lucky stars every day that he did that for me and that I have managed to kick my substance abuse habit to the fucking curb and never look back. It wasn’t easy and it took a whirlwind of unfortunate events to really get the light to find its way through my clouded presence but I have to say for the first time in an extremely long time without hesitation, I am happy and well. 

Dress // For Love & Lemons • Boots // Alexander Wang • Necklace // ShopDixi

“She spun herself a crown of gold, thrones of bones and citadels.

To the deaf stars she screamed: make me queen or I’ll make you bleed.”

It is not every day that I get to feel like a queen, but I remember this day and I felt like fucking royalty.

This trip meant a lot to me even though I remember that during this time it was painful. I was abroad with two of my best friends and although we were miles away from home we had hoped that we could have a blissful little escape but I knew all three of us were dealing with our shadow selves internally. 2015 was  so disheartening and unpleasant in various ways and I know many who can attest to the bitter taste it left in our mouths. But even though my heart was awfully heavy , this day will always burn a swell golden memory. Mo had left us to return home and so Nigel and I stayed an extra week in Paris. Everyone talks about Versailles, a must see tourist attraction with all it’s detailed extravagance. It has always been a dream of mine to visit this place in all its splendour and golden gilded walls and I finally got to experience it in the flesh.

Most days (if I admit it), I find it hard to feel confident. It’s a perplexing thing isn’t it to love oneself? Parts of me feel like I can conquer it all. Armour dipped in gallantry. Lionhearted, they say. But this is not always the case. I think more often then I should I am easily enveloped in incertitude and a crippling anxiety. An unnerving uncertainty that lies awake beneath the surface. A pernicious energy that I find difficult to dismantle. With previous encounters dealing with the notoriety of the girl upstairs I used to believe her perjuries. My armour then was much more delicate then I had imagined, or so I thought.

It is strange looking back at these images and writing about it now how nearly half a year ago everything was much more fragmented and harrowing. For whatever reason, this day in my memory paints a certain significance because despite my immense feelings of inadequacy and undeniable fragility in my structure perhaps this particular excursion to Versailles restored pieces of my tenacity.

Once we had reached the entrance of the chateau and made our way through the gates I could feel its grandiosity with all its golden glory. We had fun walking through each room, relishing in the experience of such splendour and seeing all the famous rooms the chateau had to offer. I remember being utterly ecstatic observing the multitude of details that were put into each section. From everything to the chapel and it’s renowned Hall of Mirrors with its dozen of chandeliers that weaved it’s way across the ceilings, to its marvelous and extensive gardens that were so well tended to it was as opulent and magical as you could’ve imagined. I remember we walked all the way to Marie Antoinette’s estate instead of taking the tram that travelled across the gardens to get there and undoubtedly singing Lana songs on the way there. I was filled with such jubilance that day I was basically prancing around all the hallways and in each room twirling in my best dress and feeling like a motherfucking princess. But honestly who wouldn’t?

It’s true when they say “you are your own worst critic” and I am infamous in that regard. I know sometimes my armour may be feeble and the war inside my head may be thundering and at times extremely convincing. And fear is one hell of an adversary and a queen may draw blood from her sword but her strength lies in her mystifying perseverance even in the wake of suffering. And so she will reign.

xx

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Shirt + Leggings  – BLVCKSCALE • Shoes – UNIF • Choker – Deandri

This has to be one of my favourite locations that I’ve shot at along with the post that will follow this one. You’ll see! Cemeteries are such peculiar places that carry a certain weight to them yet hold an undeniable pulchritude. This was shot at Père Lachaise Cemetery in Paris and although there is a particular heaviness when walking through its maze it is rather romantic and incredibly captivating. You could say I’ve always been enchanted by the darker side of life, aware of the strong duality that lives in us all. My interest with the supernatural began at a young age and entering my teenage years I became fascinated with tarot cards and the occult. I’ve always been a very highly sensitive being, some would call me overly emotional but as a natural empath and unfortunately at times a sponge for others energy it can be overwhelming to feel it all in this vessel of mine. As far as I can remember, I’ve always believed in spirits and otherwordly things but it wasn’t until I entered adolescence, particularly around the ages of seventeen and eighteen that I started to notice my encounters with the dead.

Over the last couple years I’ve had many experiences with spirits and have opened my energy up to this world even though it is extremely terrifying at times. Whenever I do sense energies, they do not manifest themselves into an apparition that is visible but regardless of that for the most part, I can still identify who they are in terms of their name, gender, occupation, if they are a child, adolescence,  elderly etc. The only times I’ve actually seen a spirit manifest themselves was when I was twelve visiting a historical building in Montreal, when my angels, who’re my two great grandparents and my uncle speak to me, a negative entity that lived in my boyfriend’s old flat and a not-so-friendly encounter with an entity I experienced last summer.

I know I speak about 2015 a lot, and I feel that for many, myself included was a rather arduous one that knocked us all off our natural trajectory and lead us astray only to leave bits and pieces to be recovered from the wreckage. Last summer was really traumatic and I experienced a shit ton of health problems and slipped into an extremely destructive state of depression that caused me to become so far removed from myself that I was convinced was impossible to escape. During this time there was one night where I was home alone and all of a sudden felt something else in the room with me. I can’t totally express into the words the sensation that was about to overcome me but it felt like the worst kind of fear was swallowing the room up, injecting every sort of negativity into every space and crevice and I was slowly being engulfed into the midst of it. I SHIT YOU NOT I felt this presence standing right in front of me legit trying to encompass my entire being. From my knowledge of the supernatural it almost felt I was being possessed. This entity was extremely negative and I could see it being cloaked in absolute darkness with its eyes peering right at me. I can’t even talk about this without my skin crawling but even though this was extremely fucking terrifying and I was scared shitless I just held onto myself, with some of my favourite crystals in my hand, shut my eyes and tried to visualize the best I could a radiant white light surrounding me. Many mediums, empaths, and witches speak about white light as a means of purification and protection. It is super critical when dealing with spirits as well as sending it out into the Universe from your body. When this was happening, I could feel my angels and spirit guides by my side to help me against this entity which needless to say was an absolute blessing. I probably meditated for almost an hour until I felt this awful presence leave. I can’t even begin to tell you the amount of fear that was rising in me during all of this and the feeling of having something that is not a part of you in any way try and take ahold of you. What is important to remember when dealing with more malicious spirits is that they feed off negativity and especially fear. The other side of the spectrum is always love, which is why it is so essential to come // speak from your heart space and try the best we can to project love out instead of hate, anger, frustration and fear.

After this incident about two weeks later it happened again where I felt the presence try to engulf me. This time out of panic I decided to call my dad as if I knew he would be of assistance (both my sister and my father possess the same psychic abilities as me but have chosen not to engage with the spirit world like I have).  If anything you should know, my family is rather peculiar and the dialogue surrounding energy and otherwordly existence has never been dismissed but always welcomed and discussed. It is not your every day phone call when you hear, “Dad I think I’m being possessed by a spirit and I don’t know what the fuck to do.” He advised me to try and remain calm the best I can and know that I was stronger than this presence even though the entity made me think other wise. He told me to use the visualization of white light like I had previously used and to embody love because if I lean into fear it allows the entity to become stronger and worst, take over my body.

Ever since the encounter with the entity I have tried my absolute best to maintain a positive mindset and emanate loving vibes although needless to say it’s taken me a couple months to regenerate and I finally feel like the worst is over. Since the incident, I have definitely closed myself off to the spirit world because of how petrifying that experience was but have been slowly regaining confidence in my abilities. To this day I still do not exactly know what that was or who it was except that it wanted to cause harm and devour my light. From what I gather, because I was vibrating at an extremely low frequency due to my mental, emotional and physical well being during this point in my life I believe that it created holes within my aura and because of my severe negative self-talk it developed into negative thought forms that allowed themselves to manifest and latch onto my aura. Quite possibly it was a combination of the negative thought forms I had created myself and another entity outside of myself that made itself comfortable within my aura.

“Thoughtforms can be described as energetic patterns that exist within our aura, and they are created by our own thoughts. You could say that thoughtforms are the spiritual equivalent to computer programs, and sub-routines, as they will keep running the same programme until the time where an intent and focus is made (by you) to change them. Thoughtforms are created over time, and are the energetic equivalent of schemas (deeply held beliefs). If there is a very strong activating event, that happens only once; such as the trauma of a car accident, or rape, then, because of the strength of the emotions, a powerful thoughtform will be created. Or if over a number of years, an experience happens daily of being undermined in small, subtle ways, such as the dynamics that can occur in families, then again, due to the dripping tap of emotion, a large pool of energy is created for the thoughtform to grow big and strong. So then, here we have the situation of a thoughtform living happily (maybe not for you) in your aura, creating the reality of the belief that is at the core of its existence, and feeding off the energy that it co-creates with the world around.” (More information about thoughtforms here)

When you’re in an intensely despondent state of mind it makes it easy for entities to attach themselves to your aura and you become a channel that allows them to breed. Although my experience may not entirely fall under the category of possession I believe that had I not made the active change within myself to become and think more positively and protect my aura I most definitely would have. Prior to these incidents, I developed certain symptoms such as thoughts that did not belong to myself, I felt another voice speaking in my head which just sounds absolutely fucked, and I started feeling like I was constantly being watched when I was alone and started seeing shadows more frequently. In conjuction with these symptoms, I was being extremely self-destructive and running from my trauma instead of addressing it which, was the main catalyst in this whole circumstance and lowered my vibration even further.

I know I’m not an expert in any way when it comes to dealing with energies and entities but looking back at how awful and excruciating that period of my life was in comparison to now, I’ve come a long way and I believe is a real testament to my strength that I had blindly forgotten and misplaced. As a natural empath, I only ever choose to use my abilities for love and compassion and to only practice white magic. I know the whole ‘witch aesthetic’ has become a part of street style and there’s been a substantial interest in this new age lifestyle shit and I am not opposed to anyone wanting to become more knowledgeable in the field and using their powers for good but I will put my foot down on the whole ouija board obsession. Of course, the board itself is exceptionally mystifying and intriguing but there are some things in this world that are just not meant to be fucked with. EVER. I have not and will never use one because what most people don’t understand is that this isn’t just some silly board game where you can contact your loved ones or maybe have a chill spirit hang out, you are literally opening up a portal where the spirits who come through disguise themselves as loved ones or seemingly friendly ghosts. They are shapeshifters, negative entities and even worst demons that will do anything to have a taste of the real world and will manipulate you into thinking otherwise about their true identity. I cannot reiterate enough how dangerous this device is when it is -i hate to say it- disgustingly glamourized. This is some real black magic shit. Don’t be a fool because life’s a fucking trip and the world is crazy but who the fuck wants to deal with demonic beings? HELL NO. NOPE. NO THANK YOU.

Just to clarify, I haven’t had any experiences as of late with the entity since last summer and I’m proud to say I’m currently in a pretty good state of mind and actually content for once, which sounds surprising when I say that to myself because it’s probably been eons since I’ve felt at peace with myself. It is so crucial to protect your aura and practice love and compassion not just to others but especially with yourself. Take care of your heart, and tend to your thoughts, allow fear to be felt but don’t let it consume you, be kind and if something is fucking with your vibe get rid of it.

xx

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(Kendahl’s DIY on how to make a dress fit when you’re too lazy to get dat shit altered :P)

Dress – Brandy Melville • Shoes – UNIF • Jewellery – from everywhere // mainly thrifted

Apologies for the lack of updates lately and that I may have been a bit MIA. I’ve been living a super low key life as of late that mainly consists of hermit-ing and hanging out with five people I actually feel comfortable around and trying my best to re-centre myself because it seems that February was pandemonium. Being in your twenties is kind of like dealing with the nuisance of teen angst only it’s more refined in some ways and less screaming and more crying, or maybe its an amalgamation of both and it’s still this huge cluster-fuck-of-god-knows-what and everybody is still trying to “figure it out” but you’re a little more self-aware (at least I’d hope so) and really trying to get from A to B instead of lingering somewhere in the middle. Everybody that knows me knows that I get stressed out (extremely) easily. It’s funny because in certain difficult situations I do excel but then the majority time I’m just a fucking chicken with its head cut off. Fabulous. My sister often says to me, “When are you not stressed out?” It’s almost become this running joke because I legit have some sort of crisis every other day whether it be an existential one, or dealing with my identity, or because I’m trying to be a perfectionist with my fucking eye liner. Okay, so I’m a tad bit overdramatic. But this last month the heaviness hit hard in unimaginable ways. I thought I was done with my demons, really demolished them and put them to rest but when a series of unfortunate events occur and snowball, shit gets real out of control. I had fallen back into some terrible old habits and my anxiety had severely increased to the point where it was debilitating. I know everyone says, it’s going to get worst before it gets better and for the most part it’s unfortunately true. But sometimes you really need to be knocked down to know where you stand and fuck does it ever suck with your head against the cold pavement but I promise you, you will rise.

I think somewhere in 2015, I lost a huge part of myself after experiencing some traumas and I’m still trying to process that amongst tackling old demons. You see, fear is not unfamiliar to me – in fact it’s been my friend for quite some time now. Years even. It’s been sitting on my shoulders, towering over and whispering doubts into my ears. It’s held my hand throughout history, resides in my chest, compressing my lungs. Fuck it, I’ll admit it it’s encompassed me. But this time even though fear did get the best of me, I don’t want to be acquainted with it anymore. I want to be able to stare it down right in the fucking face and scream at it and not be petrified. I don’t want it to make me sick to my stomach, lunged over and holding my sides or 5 am panic calls to someone close to me or having to surrender myself to certain vices in order to self-regulate or have the noise from the war inside my head become so loud I can hear it reverberating off the fucking walls. I don’t want fear to envelope me like it has and has been doing so many times before. There’s been an ample amount of negative self-talk lately from the girl upstairs and all I want is for her to quiet it down. This past week, I’ve seen actual progress for the first time in god knows how long. I know shit like this can only be taken in baby steps because as much as I’d love for my fears, traumas and demons to all evaporate instantaneously we all know that’s a whole lot of rubbish because this sort of soul work is really dependent on time and action. Recently, for every negative thought I have about myself I’m trying to combat it by telling myself three positive things I actually fancy about myself. That may sound a bit cheesy but I want to create new thinking patterns and abolish old ones. I’ve started seeing my counsellor regularly instead of just on occasion, as well as reading more frequently and even taken up intro hip hop lessons (I’ll probably share when I feel more confident in the mean time I’m getting my moves down haha.)

I know I still have a long way to go, and there are days where I still feel absolutely defeated but creating these minor changes even if they may not seem like much, is definitely a beginning. Perhaps chaos is it’s own catalyst of sorts that can indubitably propel you in a multitude of directions whether it be for better or for worst. My demons are colossal, they eclipse all my light, they’re conniving vicious fuckers that are damn good at that sweet talk. But maybe if we’re honest destruction is needed in order to come full circle. As much as we’d love to conceal all our hideous elements and pretend like they aren’t present that shit will keep returning and demanding itself to be recognized until it corners you and stares you straight in the fucking eye. So 2016, I hope this will be the year I find my strength and uncover the light. Here’s to finding my way back from the wreckage and travelling towards my heart space – to centreing myself and coming out the other side.

xx

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Top – UNIF • Pentagram Harness – Teale Coco • Skirt – American Apparel • Platforms – T.U.K

I hope you all had a fabulous Valentines day and got to spend it with some good company and even if you don’t have someone, I hope you fucking went out, hung out with your friends and motherfucking treated yourself because you’re a QUEEN!

This was a super fun shoot to do and my first time collaborating with da bae. I like to think the clothes I wear are an extension of myself, and a way to experiment with different characters that all are a part of Kendahl ‘Lahbra’ Jung. I decided to take advantage of the one sunny day that happened last week and organize this shoot where I channel some ultimate bad girl vibes as in I’m-cute-but-really-I-look-like-Imma-cut-a-bitch. Do you feel me?

I can just tell that as soon as this is posted my sister will probably make a remark on how angry I look because she continually tells me that on a daily basis. I have to laugh because it’s true I do look pretty pissed the majority of time but I promise you I’m not all that evil but hey I ain’t no saint either. To be honest it’s just because my natural resting (bitch) face just so happens to look like I might murder someone all the time but also because when I’m walking in public I get mad anxiety and girl is just trying to get to A to B. So pardon my icy glares. It’s not that I don’t want to make conversation with random strangers it’s moreso just being very focused on getting to my destination and the fact I am oblivious as all hell. My sister likes to call me Satan, where the nicknames derives from my not-so-pleasant teenage years of being a fairly enraged adolescent, the whole I-hate-everyone-and-the-world-and-nobody-fucking-understands-me mentality. Typical. I suppose my nickname also applies to when I tend to get a bit reactive in situations when I really have no reason to be and my sister will promptly respond with the sassy phrase, “settle Satan.” It used to aggravate me every time she’d say that but now I find it humorous and strangely endearing because hey, at least she’s honest and calling me out on my shit. Plus, I think we all know that I may have my moments and a good portion of my being consists of radiating love rather than hate even though my face may not always make that clear. HA!

Subtle out take:

because bae caught me smiling. SEE!

xx

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Coat – Cheap Monday • Crop top – Blitz! London • Culottes – Oak + Fort • Choker – SHOPNIN3 • Shoes – UNIF • Sunnies – Wildfox Couture

These were taken when I was in London this past November on my Europe trip with my two best friends! Even though we only spent a week there, traveling with The Holy Trinity is always some sort of madness; I mean that in the best possible way. My first day there I met up with Momo and made our way to the hotel to get settled and prepare to pick up our dear friend Nigel. Before I get into details, this trip was pretty significant for all of us since it would be the first time we’d all be reunited in a year! Nigel had left us in early 2015 to travel around Asia to model and made his way to Europe. Instinctively, we took this chance to go on a Trinity trip because who wouldn’t want to be in two of of Europe’s biggest cities with your two besties?! Okay, we could legit go anywhere in the world and guaranteed we’d cause a ruckus and have a shit ton of fun. 2015 was pretty chaotic for all of us and with Nigel’s absence I felt as if it had threw us all off balance. Even though Momo and I live in the same city it’s hard to meet up with each other when you have conflicting schedules. It was a tumultuous year and not having my most primary and fundamental individuals in my life proved to be rather distressing in many ways. It was one of those situations where I knew my friend needed to go out there in the world to figure out what he wanted but most importantly I knew he needed to do this for himself. I understood that all of us individually were sorting through our own personal moments of turbulence and although we all spoke to each other frequently I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t severely affected by his absence. It is such a rare find to encounter souls you relate to on much more personal levels that extend beyond surface value. Especially ones where your energies are very intricately intertwine but powerfully connected. I hold these two incredible human beings close to me because I see them as family and it is so hard to know and find your own tribe. So you could only imagine my extreme jubilance when we made solid plans to all meet up in Europe. Definitely had all the motherfucking feels. But if I’m honest when am I not?

Moments of being in London I was absolutely ecstatic, I think it worked out perfectly how Momo and I arrived earlier the same day that way we could pick up Nigel from the train station. Of course, us being tits, we decided to hide behind a pillar to scare the shit out of our friend. I wish we had filmed us picking him up because when he arrived he couldn’t find us at first and we (stealthily) burst out of nowhere and screamed at him (because we’re assholes) and of course many hugs and laughs followed. My first day in London was pretty wild, considering I hadn’t slept the whole 9 hour flight and was getting over a cold, we did what I guess is now a bit of a tradition when we travel together…grab some liquor and find a dance floor. We went to HEAVEN, one of London’s most notorious gay clubs that had so many different dance rooms to choose from and it just so happened that that night two of RuPaul’s Drag Race recent contestants were judging a stripping competition. If you must know, I thoroughly enjoyed my first experience at HEAVEN mainly because I a strange affinity for shitty pop music and trust me when I say if you get the Trinity together + top 40 shit, with or without alcohol that only involves us being major tits in public…I mean that as we will slay on the dance floor….or maybe more accurately we will be embarrassing AF and do the stupidest dance moves and have mini dance offs while simultaneously screaming at each other the lyrics of whatever dumb ass song is playing. I’m talking major hair whipping, flailing hands, and getting low as fuck to the ground. Also, I didn’t realize it was possible to turn up to Adele because the DJ had remixed her single Hello…I MEAN REALLY NOW?! I remember when that happened Momo and I just left the dance floor we were so unimpressed. There is only so much shitty music I can tolerate.

London, even with your chilly stormy weather you were something else. It was short and sweet and the perfect amount of mayhem. Some of my favourite memories there involved:

• our first day where moments of being there Momo and I found a little farmer’s market near the train station so we bought some cheese. We like our carbs okay.

• the boys taking me to Lucky Voice for karaoke as a late birthday celebration where I lost my shit because they had every T SWIFT song and new JBIEBZ…basically they had every song imaginable and I’m pretty sure Nigel and I lost our voices by the end of it. I believe at first we actually attempted to sound decent and it just got progressively worse, messy and off key because alcohol.

• finding out the staircase in our hotel was where part of the Spice Girls ‘Wannabe’ music video was shot and having an impromptu shoot.

• exploring SoHo and taking the boys to some bougi restaurant that actually had the best dim sum and needless to say possibly one of the best meals I’ve ever had in my life.

• spontaneously getting some cute tattoos in Shoreditch and going to Dishoom for another fantastic meal even though I experienced one of the worst food babies in my entire existence.

• walking around Brick Lane and shopping because duh. and all the times we took the tube and double decker buses even though I felt like a lost child the majority of the time and on more than one occasion managed to get trapped on one side of either the entrance or the exit because my Oyster card would fuck up. Thank you Nigel for being our navigator.

• also…all the times I was woken up because Nigel was repeatedly rapping to Only by Nicki Minaj extremely loud and enthusiastically the entire trip.

If anything, my seven days in London was nothing short of amusing, hilarious, insightful, entertaining and most definitely LIT (I’m sorry Nigel.) Photo diary to follow, stay tuned lovelies!

xx