Dress // Oh Hey Girl • Harness // Jakimac • Boots // UNIF • Beret // eBay

I honestly can’t believe 2016 is over, it’s mental to think 365 days have gone by and the absolute whirlwind that has been this year. Globally, I think we can all agree it was shit. A horrendous chain of events that left our hearts heavy. The deaths of many beloved stars – Bowie & Prince hit me hard. The US presidential election. Fuck. A LOT. OF. THINGS. HAPPENED. THIS. YEAR. And although, yes 2016 was difficult for many but on a personal level this year was so much about perseverance if anything.

It’s funny for the last two years I’ve been doing year round tarot readings for myself and theme of this year was strength and without a doubt I have felt that energy in it’s utmost capacity. I actually hadn’t thought about it until sitting down and writing this but this has been one fucking hell of a shitshow of a year and even though the first few months were rather arduous, harrowing and discomforting my efforts have really paid off and not only that but that amount of shit I’ve achieved this year BLOWS MY FUCKING MIND!!! It’s been a year of tremendous growth, if you follow me on my Instagram and blog I know I keep reiterating this but bloody fuck I don’t think I’ve ever done such a goddamn 180. January 1st, will mark my official one year of being substance abuse free and I can’t believe how far I’ve come in that regard. Reflecting on this time last year things were hazy and disconnected, I liked the way detriment sounded. Girl like wildfire. Girl like devastation. Girl like bulletproof. It’s strange to really muster these words but I never really thought I’d ever feel real happiness or find it for that matter but this year proved me wrong. This year was about saying yes to many things instead of staying stagnant in the dark. It was about pushing through walls of fear. Just fucking doing it and seeing where I would fall. And even if I did, getting right back up and picking up all the pieces, reassembling it and walking it the fuck off. It was about starting a lot of things I only dreamed of doing, things that just floated in thought and graced my mouth but never put into action until now. I finally started dance, which is one of the copious amount of things that I’ve wanted to do for years but always felt discouraged. And even though I’m still a beginner I found out my passion for voguing, which has been a tremendous outlet for me and a beautiful and fierce AF art form in and of itself. I finally got my Learners cuz it’s been about fucking time I learn how to drive ha! I spontaneously enrolled in the Freelance Makeup program and am ridiculously inspired by the MUA community and tremendous support I’ve gotten so far. I started taking photos again. Collaborating. Making some dope shit. Met some incredible human beings these year. Spent three weeks in Italy with my family and being incredibly inspired by that trip. Went to Pemberton Music Fest with two lovely souls who I met this year and had the time of my life seeing some of my fave artists. From seeing FKA Twigs in the pouring rain wearing identical rain coats looking like dumplings to losing my shit seeing Die Antwoord for the 5th time and having a pretty wondrous moment with a goddamn rainbow hovering over the stage seeing Miguel. Having my cousin move to Vancouver, reconnecting with her and taking dance classes every week. That one day during Pride, dressed to the nines with my fucking tribe, soul sistas for life, the MOTHERFUCKING HOLY TRINITY and staying out till 7AM. Exploring my own backyard that this city has to offer with my love. Starting this blog it’ll mark it’s one year in about a month! Shaving off my eyebrowz (honestly it’s been one of the most empowering things I’ve done this year) and getting baby bangs. Fell in love with myself. Sat with the destruction. Pulled everything a part and in the words of my mother, SHUTUP. SIT DOWN. AND LOVE YOURSELF. It’s a delirious feeling to examine everything in retrospect, that we are always constantly in flux but I am so fucking proud of myself for having the courage to cast out the dark, light them fucking demons on fire and watch the ashes transpire into something magical, unimaginable and truly mesmerizing.

2017, I have no idea where you’re going to take me but lets hold hands and dance to the sound of the fucking unknown.

Girl like electricity. Girl like pistol. Girl like magic.

Much love to all you beauties.

xx

Shirt // Jbiebz Purpose 2016 Tour (LOL) • Boots // Alexander Wang • Necklace // SHOPNIN3 • Sunnies // WildFox

I’m not going to lie this has been a hard one to write. After two years of having purple hair I decided to change my hair colour and for the past few months being this blue tone with turquoise hues has really been the start of a new era for me. If you’ve been following my blog for a while I speak a lot about the human condition, the strange duality and everything in between that plays a role in our lives. As much as this somewhat resembles your typical ‘style blog’ you will never find me writing about the garments on my body, although that isn’t too say that my personal aesthetic does carry an element to this platform, it is much more about the story telling for me. Looking at how we’re more than eight months into 2016 I have to say compared to this time last year where everything was far more destructive and harrowing I am doing a lot better. For the first time in a long time I feel proud of myself and that’s something I often forget to give myself credit for. When I really sit with myself and look at how monumentally fucked up everything was and felt in 2015 I’ve honestly done a complete 180. I’m no longer self-medicating and abusing a handful of vices that used to be my coping mechanisms and have extracted myself from toxic situations and people. Sure, the party is fun and you think it never ends but when you get sucked into a world thats nothing but a dangerous mixture of blurred nights, intoxication, deception and waking up with the heaviness in your heart you thought you had so innocently eradicated the night before accompanied by a delirious pounding in your head is it all really worth it? I’m definitely someone who takes things to the extreme and I often like to test my personal threshold. I thought for a while I was “invincible” purely enjoying life because I was going out all the time and made the all time excuse of ‘being young and free’ bullshit. Of course, there is a time and place to dance away the night and escape momentarily from life’s tribulations but I was more than knees deep in a noxious cycle of addiction and affliction without really being aware of it or anywhere near admitting it. For months I was in denial that I had a problem because my fucking dumb ass logic and Ego self got the best of me and assumed that I was still a perfectly functioning human being because I still (somewhat) managed to carry out daily duties like my job. I know that I’ve always suffered from depression and anxiety, something that’s accumulated and carried itself over the years as an eleven year old and into my adolescence and now into my twenties. So when parts of me were depleting and instead of asking for help, taking initiative and doing the work on myself I found solace in my vices. In the quiet, the war inside my head grew vehemently louder and stronger and my addictions were becoming out of control. I felt outnumbered by my demons but I still refused to do anything about it. It wasn’t until my partner relentlessly called me out on it and told me to get help. Although, that period of my life was absolutely sickening – quite literally and metaphorically – and a complete shitshow in the most horrendous way I count my lucky stars every day that he did that for me and that I have managed to kick my substance abuse habit to the fucking curb and never look back. It wasn’t easy and it took a whirlwind of unfortunate events to really get the light to find its way through my clouded presence but I have to say for the first time in an extremely long time without hesitation, I am happy and well. 

Coat – Cheap Monday • Crop top – Blitz! London • Culottes – Oak + Fort • Choker – SHOPNIN3 • Shoes – UNIF • Sunnies – Wildfox Couture

These were taken when I was in London this past November on my Europe trip with my two best friends! Even though we only spent a week there, traveling with The Holy Trinity is always some sort of madness; I mean that in the best possible way. My first day there I met up with Momo and made our way to the hotel to get settled and prepare to pick up our dear friend Nigel. Before I get into details, this trip was pretty significant for all of us since it would be the first time we’d all be reunited in a year! Nigel had left us in early 2015 to travel around Asia to model and made his way to Europe. Instinctively, we took this chance to go on a Trinity trip because who wouldn’t want to be in two of of Europe’s biggest cities with your two besties?! Okay, we could legit go anywhere in the world and guaranteed we’d cause a ruckus and have a shit ton of fun. 2015 was pretty chaotic for all of us and with Nigel’s absence I felt as if it had threw us all off balance. Even though Momo and I live in the same city it’s hard to meet up with each other when you have conflicting schedules. It was a tumultuous year and not having my most primary and fundamental individuals in my life proved to be rather distressing in many ways. It was one of those situations where I knew my friend needed to go out there in the world to figure out what he wanted but most importantly I knew he needed to do this for himself. I understood that all of us individually were sorting through our own personal moments of turbulence and although we all spoke to each other frequently I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t severely affected by his absence. It is such a rare find to encounter souls you relate to on much more personal levels that extend beyond surface value. Especially ones where your energies are very intricately intertwine but powerfully connected. I hold these two incredible human beings close to me because I see them as family and it is so hard to know and find your own tribe. So you could only imagine my extreme jubilance when we made solid plans to all meet up in Europe. Definitely had all the motherfucking feels. But if I’m honest when am I not?

Moments of being in London I was absolutely ecstatic, I think it worked out perfectly how Momo and I arrived earlier the same day that way we could pick up Nigel from the train station. Of course, us being tits, we decided to hide behind a pillar to scare the shit out of our friend. I wish we had filmed us picking him up because when he arrived he couldn’t find us at first and we (stealthily) burst out of nowhere and screamed at him (because we’re assholes) and of course many hugs and laughs followed. My first day in London was pretty wild, considering I hadn’t slept the whole 9 hour flight and was getting over a cold, we did what I guess is now a bit of a tradition when we travel together…grab some liquor and find a dance floor. We went to HEAVEN, one of London’s most notorious gay clubs that had so many different dance rooms to choose from and it just so happened that that night two of RuPaul’s Drag Race recent contestants were judging a stripping competition. If you must know, I thoroughly enjoyed my first experience at HEAVEN mainly because I a strange affinity for shitty pop music and trust me when I say if you get the Trinity together + top 40 shit, with or without alcohol that only involves us being major tits in public…I mean that as we will slay on the dance floor….or maybe more accurately we will be embarrassing AF and do the stupidest dance moves and have mini dance offs while simultaneously screaming at each other the lyrics of whatever dumb ass song is playing. I’m talking major hair whipping, flailing hands, and getting low as fuck to the ground. Also, I didn’t realize it was possible to turn up to Adele because the DJ had remixed her single Hello…I MEAN REALLY NOW?! I remember when that happened Momo and I just left the dance floor we were so unimpressed. There is only so much shitty music I can tolerate.

London, even with your chilly stormy weather you were something else. It was short and sweet and the perfect amount of mayhem. Some of my favourite memories there involved:

• our first day where moments of being there Momo and I found a little farmer’s market near the train station so we bought some cheese. We like our carbs okay.

• the boys taking me to Lucky Voice for karaoke as a late birthday celebration where I lost my shit because they had every T SWIFT song and new JBIEBZ…basically they had every song imaginable and I’m pretty sure Nigel and I lost our voices by the end of it. I believe at first we actually attempted to sound decent and it just got progressively worse, messy and off key because alcohol.

• finding out the staircase in our hotel was where part of the Spice Girls ‘Wannabe’ music video was shot and having an impromptu shoot.

• exploring SoHo and taking the boys to some bougi restaurant that actually had the best dim sum and needless to say possibly one of the best meals I’ve ever had in my life.

• spontaneously getting some cute tattoos in Shoreditch and going to Dishoom for another fantastic meal even though I experienced one of the worst food babies in my entire existence.

• walking around Brick Lane and shopping because duh. and all the times we took the tube and double decker buses even though I felt like a lost child the majority of the time and on more than one occasion managed to get trapped on one side of either the entrance or the exit because my Oyster card would fuck up. Thank you Nigel for being our navigator.

• also…all the times I was woken up because Nigel was repeatedly rapping to Only by Nicki Minaj extremely loud and enthusiastically the entire trip.

If anything, my seven days in London was nothing short of amusing, hilarious, insightful, entertaining and most definitely LIT (I’m sorry Nigel.) Photo diary to follow, stay tuned lovelies!

xx

Coat – Cheap Monday • Hat & Jeans – Topshop • Shoes – UNIF • Bag – Kara

Been thinking a lot about the new year and how it’ll unravel, been reflecting a lot on 2015 and how disorienting it is in a way that another year has flown by. 2015 was a whirlwind of sorts, I can’t even begin to tell you the countless times I myself or someone else talked me down from the ledge. How the past year I let fear paralyze me to the point where I put my health in jeopardy and found myself in the middle of nowhere, so far removed from myself. To become so enveloped by incertitude and fear is such an unnerving scenery to witness. But maybe you have to burn everything down to know where you’re coming from, assemble all the pieces from the wreckage and build yourself up again. Maybe destruction breeds a certain kind of freedom. I look at the past year and my heart is less heavy, rather it is slowly expanding. I am still terrified at times but I’ve made friends with the chaos. I think this quote sums it up perfectly:

“Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel depressed. It would never occur to us, unless we stumbled on a book or a person who explained to us, that we were in fact in the process of change, of actually becoming larger, spiritually, than we were before. Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it, as a young seed must feel the weight and inertia of the earth as it seeks to break out of its shell on its way to becoming a plant. Often the feeling is anything but pleasant. But what is most unpleasant is the not knowing what is happening. Those long periods when something inside ourselves seems to be waiting, holding its breath, unsure about what the next step should be, eventually become the periods we wait for, for it is in those periods that we realize that we are being prepared for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability, a new level of the personality is about to be revealed.”

– Alice Walker

I suppose this is some sort of strange, mystifying (and slightly uncomfortable) rebirth of mine. So this is my new venture, a platform for my process and progress, my ridiculous awkward inner monologue, a dizzying yet enchanting mess of things…

Welcome to the inside of my brain.

xx