(Kendahl’s DIY on how to make a dress fit when you’re too lazy to get dat shit altered :P)
Dress – Brandy Melville • Shoes – UNIF • Jewellery – from everywhere // mainly thrifted
Apologies for the lack of updates lately and that I may have been a bit MIA. I’ve been living a super low key life as of late that mainly consists of hermit-ing and hanging out with five people I actually feel comfortable around and trying my best to re-centre myself because it seems that February was pandemonium. Being in your twenties is kind of like dealing with the nuisance of teen angst only it’s more refined in some ways and less screaming and more crying, or maybe its an amalgamation of both and it’s still this huge cluster-fuck-of-god-knows-what and everybody is still trying to “figure it out” but you’re a little more self-aware (at least I’d hope so) and really trying to get from A to B instead of lingering somewhere in the middle. Everybody that knows me knows that I get stressed out (extremely) easily. It’s funny because in certain difficult situations I do excel but then the majority time I’m just a fucking chicken with its head cut off. Fabulous. My sister often says to me, “When are you not stressed out?” It’s almost become this running joke because I legit have some sort of crisis every other day whether it be an existential one, or dealing with my identity, or because I’m trying to be a perfectionist with my fucking eye liner. Okay, so I’m a tad bit overdramatic. But this last month the heaviness hit hard in unimaginable ways. I thought I was done with my demons, really demolished them and put them to rest but when a series of unfortunate events occur and snowball, shit gets real out of control. I had fallen back into some terrible old habits and my anxiety had severely increased to the point where it was debilitating. I know everyone says, it’s going to get worst before it gets better and for the most part it’s unfortunately true. But sometimes you really need to be knocked down to know where you stand and fuck does it ever suck with your head against the cold pavement but I promise you, you will rise.
I think somewhere in 2015, I lost a huge part of myself after experiencing some traumas and I’m still trying to process that amongst tackling old demons. You see, fear is not unfamiliar to me – in fact it’s been my friend for quite some time now. Years even. It’s been sitting on my shoulders, towering over and whispering doubts into my ears. It’s held my hand throughout history, resides in my chest, compressing my lungs. Fuck it, I’ll admit it it’s encompassed me. But this time even though fear did get the best of me, I don’t want to be acquainted with it anymore. I want to be able to stare it down right in the fucking face and scream at it and not be petrified. I don’t want it to make me sick to my stomach, lunged over and holding my sides or 5 am panic calls to someone close to me or having to surrender myself to certain vices in order to self-regulate or have the noise from the war inside my head become so loud I can hear it reverberating off the fucking walls. I don’t want fear to envelope me like it has and has been doing so many times before. There’s been an ample amount of negative self-talk lately from the girl upstairs and all I want is for her to quiet it down. This past week, I’ve seen actual progress for the first time in god knows how long. I know shit like this can only be taken in baby steps because as much as I’d love for my fears, traumas and demons to all evaporate instantaneously we all know that’s a whole lot of rubbish because this sort of soul work is really dependent on time and action. Recently, for every negative thought I have about myself I’m trying to combat it by telling myself three positive things I actually fancy about myself. That may sound a bit cheesy but I want to create new thinking patterns and abolish old ones. I’ve started seeing my counsellor regularly instead of just on occasion, as well as reading more frequently and even taken up intro hip hop lessons (I’ll probably share when I feel more confident in the mean time I’m getting my moves down haha.)
I know I still have a long way to go, and there are days where I still feel absolutely defeated but creating these minor changes even if they may not seem like much, is definitely a beginning. Perhaps chaos is it’s own catalyst of sorts that can indubitably propel you in a multitude of directions whether it be for better or for worst. My demons are colossal, they eclipse all my light, they’re conniving vicious fuckers that are damn good at that sweet talk. But maybe if we’re honest destruction is needed in order to come full circle. As much as we’d love to conceal all our hideous elements and pretend like they aren’t present that shit will keep returning and demanding itself to be recognized until it corners you and stares you straight in the fucking eye. So 2016, I hope this will be the year I find my strength and uncover the light. Here’s to finding my way back from the wreckage and travelling towards my heart space – to centreing myself and coming out the other side.
xx
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