(Kendahl’s DIY on how to make a dress fit when you’re too lazy to get dat shit altered :P)

Dress – Brandy Melville • Shoes – UNIF • Jewellery – from everywhere // mainly thrifted

Apologies for the lack of updates lately and that I may have been a bit MIA. I’ve been living a super low key life as of late that mainly consists of hermit-ing and hanging out with five people I actually feel comfortable around and trying my best to re-centre myself because it seems that February was pandemonium. Being in your twenties is kind of like dealing with the nuisance of teen angst only it’s more refined in some ways and less screaming and more crying, or maybe its an amalgamation of both and it’s still this huge cluster-fuck-of-god-knows-what and everybody is still trying to “figure it out” but you’re a little more self-aware (at least I’d hope so) and really trying to get from A to B instead of lingering somewhere in the middle. Everybody that knows me knows that I get stressed out (extremely) easily. It’s funny because in certain difficult situations I do excel but then the majority time I’m just a fucking chicken with its head cut off. Fabulous. My sister often says to me, “When are you not stressed out?” It’s almost become this running joke because I legit have some sort of crisis every other day whether it be an existential one, or dealing with my identity, or because I’m trying to be a perfectionist with my fucking eye liner. Okay, so I’m a tad bit overdramatic. But this last month the heaviness hit hard in unimaginable ways. I thought I was done with my demons, really demolished them and put them to rest but when a series of unfortunate events occur and snowball, shit gets real out of control. I had fallen back into some terrible old habits and my anxiety had severely increased to the point where it was debilitating. I know everyone says, it’s going to get worst before it gets better and for the most part it’s unfortunately true. But sometimes you really need to be knocked down to know where you stand and fuck does it ever suck with your head against the cold pavement but I promise you, you will rise.

I think somewhere in 2015, I lost a huge part of myself after experiencing some traumas and I’m still trying to process that amongst tackling old demons. You see, fear is not unfamiliar to me – in fact it’s been my friend for quite some time now. Years even. It’s been sitting on my shoulders, towering over and whispering doubts into my ears. It’s held my hand throughout history, resides in my chest, compressing my lungs. Fuck it, I’ll admit it it’s encompassed me. But this time even though fear did get the best of me, I don’t want to be acquainted with it anymore. I want to be able to stare it down right in the fucking face and scream at it and not be petrified. I don’t want it to make me sick to my stomach, lunged over and holding my sides or 5 am panic calls to someone close to me or having to surrender myself to certain vices in order to self-regulate or have the noise from the war inside my head become so loud I can hear it reverberating off the fucking walls. I don’t want fear to envelope me like it has and has been doing so many times before. There’s been an ample amount of negative self-talk lately from the girl upstairs and all I want is for her to quiet it down. This past week, I’ve seen actual progress for the first time in god knows how long. I know shit like this can only be taken in baby steps because as much as I’d love for my fears, traumas and demons to all evaporate instantaneously we all know that’s a whole lot of rubbish because this sort of soul work is really dependent on time and action. Recently, for every negative thought I have about myself I’m trying to combat it by telling myself three positive things I actually fancy about myself. That may sound a bit cheesy but I want to create new thinking patterns and abolish old ones. I’ve started seeing my counsellor regularly instead of just on occasion, as well as reading more frequently and even taken up intro hip hop lessons (I’ll probably share when I feel more confident in the mean time I’m getting my moves down haha.)

I know I still have a long way to go, and there are days where I still feel absolutely defeated but creating these minor changes even if they may not seem like much, is definitely a beginning. Perhaps chaos is it’s own catalyst of sorts that can indubitably propel you in a multitude of directions whether it be for better or for worst. My demons are colossal, they eclipse all my light, they’re conniving vicious fuckers that are damn good at that sweet talk. But maybe if we’re honest destruction is needed in order to come full circle. As much as we’d love to conceal all our hideous elements and pretend like they aren’t present that shit will keep returning and demanding itself to be recognized until it corners you and stares you straight in the fucking eye. So 2016, I hope this will be the year I find my strength and uncover the light. Here’s to finding my way back from the wreckage and travelling towards my heart space – to centreing myself and coming out the other side.

xx

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Coat – Cheap Monday • Crop top – Blitz! London • Culottes – Oak + Fort • Choker – SHOPNIN3 • Shoes – UNIF • Sunnies – Wildfox Couture

These were taken when I was in London this past November on my Europe trip with my two best friends! Even though we only spent a week there, traveling with The Holy Trinity is always some sort of madness; I mean that in the best possible way. My first day there I met up with Momo and made our way to the hotel to get settled and prepare to pick up our dear friend Nigel. Before I get into details, this trip was pretty significant for all of us since it would be the first time we’d all be reunited in a year! Nigel had left us in early 2015 to travel around Asia to model and made his way to Europe. Instinctively, we took this chance to go on a Trinity trip because who wouldn’t want to be in two of of Europe’s biggest cities with your two besties?! Okay, we could legit go anywhere in the world and guaranteed we’d cause a ruckus and have a shit ton of fun. 2015 was pretty chaotic for all of us and with Nigel’s absence I felt as if it had threw us all off balance. Even though Momo and I live in the same city it’s hard to meet up with each other when you have conflicting schedules. It was a tumultuous year and not having my most primary and fundamental individuals in my life proved to be rather distressing in many ways. It was one of those situations where I knew my friend needed to go out there in the world to figure out what he wanted but most importantly I knew he needed to do this for himself. I understood that all of us individually were sorting through our own personal moments of turbulence and although we all spoke to each other frequently I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t severely affected by his absence. It is such a rare find to encounter souls you relate to on much more personal levels that extend beyond surface value. Especially ones where your energies are very intricately intertwine but powerfully connected. I hold these two incredible human beings close to me because I see them as family and it is so hard to know and find your own tribe. So you could only imagine my extreme jubilance when we made solid plans to all meet up in Europe. Definitely had all the motherfucking feels. But if I’m honest when am I not?

Moments of being in London I was absolutely ecstatic, I think it worked out perfectly how Momo and I arrived earlier the same day that way we could pick up Nigel from the train station. Of course, us being tits, we decided to hide behind a pillar to scare the shit out of our friend. I wish we had filmed us picking him up because when he arrived he couldn’t find us at first and we (stealthily) burst out of nowhere and screamed at him (because we’re assholes) and of course many hugs and laughs followed. My first day in London was pretty wild, considering I hadn’t slept the whole 9 hour flight and was getting over a cold, we did what I guess is now a bit of a tradition when we travel together…grab some liquor and find a dance floor. We went to HEAVEN, one of London’s most notorious gay clubs that had so many different dance rooms to choose from and it just so happened that that night two of RuPaul’s Drag Race recent contestants were judging a stripping competition. If you must know, I thoroughly enjoyed my first experience at HEAVEN mainly because I a strange affinity for shitty pop music and trust me when I say if you get the Trinity together + top 40 shit, with or without alcohol that only involves us being major tits in public…I mean that as we will slay on the dance floor….or maybe more accurately we will be embarrassing AF and do the stupidest dance moves and have mini dance offs while simultaneously screaming at each other the lyrics of whatever dumb ass song is playing. I’m talking major hair whipping, flailing hands, and getting low as fuck to the ground. Also, I didn’t realize it was possible to turn up to Adele because the DJ had remixed her single Hello…I MEAN REALLY NOW?! I remember when that happened Momo and I just left the dance floor we were so unimpressed. There is only so much shitty music I can tolerate.

London, even with your chilly stormy weather you were something else. It was short and sweet and the perfect amount of mayhem. Some of my favourite memories there involved:

• our first day where moments of being there Momo and I found a little farmer’s market near the train station so we bought some cheese. We like our carbs okay.

• the boys taking me to Lucky Voice for karaoke as a late birthday celebration where I lost my shit because they had every T SWIFT song and new JBIEBZ…basically they had every song imaginable and I’m pretty sure Nigel and I lost our voices by the end of it. I believe at first we actually attempted to sound decent and it just got progressively worse, messy and off key because alcohol.

• finding out the staircase in our hotel was where part of the Spice Girls ‘Wannabe’ music video was shot and having an impromptu shoot.

• exploring SoHo and taking the boys to some bougi restaurant that actually had the best dim sum and needless to say possibly one of the best meals I’ve ever had in my life.

• spontaneously getting some cute tattoos in Shoreditch and going to Dishoom for another fantastic meal even though I experienced one of the worst food babies in my entire existence.

• walking around Brick Lane and shopping because duh. and all the times we took the tube and double decker buses even though I felt like a lost child the majority of the time and on more than one occasion managed to get trapped on one side of either the entrance or the exit because my Oyster card would fuck up. Thank you Nigel for being our navigator.

• also…all the times I was woken up because Nigel was repeatedly rapping to Only by Nicki Minaj extremely loud and enthusiastically the entire trip.

If anything, my seven days in London was nothing short of amusing, hilarious, insightful, entertaining and most definitely LIT (I’m sorry Nigel.) Photo diary to follow, stay tuned lovelies!

xx

Dress // Cheongsam – gifted from the bae • Boots – Jeffrey Campbell Mulder boots

Happy Chinese New Year lovelies! Absolutely in love with my new cheongsam that was gifted to me from my boy! I hope that for those of you celebrating this holiday you get to spend it with copious amounts of love, good company and get to indulge in a shit ton of food – cue massive food baby. You know ya girl hella food coma-ed f’sure.

February feels a lot more like a fresh start compared to January where an ample amount of it was about managing and sorting through the residue of 2015. If anything it feels cathartic to finally relish in holding hands with the unexpected. According to Chinese Astrology this is a big year:

“There are two significant energetic shifts that will affect everyone this year. The first is that we’re moving into a Fire year after two Wood years. Wood is growth, enthusiasm, the innocence of youth and the pursuit of a vision. Wood qi is fresh and unformed. It has the drive to break through barriers, but it lacks wisdom and refinement, so can sometimes be unstable and reckless. Fire qi is the full expression of Wood’s vision. Fire brings forth the rose, lays the paint on the canvas, and gives voice to the song that’s been forming in the depths of your heart. Fire is intense, passionate, and calls forth our need to connect with one another. In a Fire year, no longer satisfied with the pursuit of our dreams, we now can bring things into actuality. And as we see things manifest, we want to gather with our tribe, raise a glass and celebrate. Now, what about that second energetic shift? Enter the Monkey. All manner of apple carts could be turned over in the most surprising ways. This will be a test of your ability to stay calm and unruffled in the face of relentless and unexpected challenges. But remember — on the other side of chaos is magic and transformation. Be brave and keep your sense of humor; never forget that there’s spiritual gold at the end of the tale. How you handle the coming year is largely a matter of harmonizing your own nature with this Monkey qi…”

– Mystic Mamma

I’m intrigued to see how I and everyone will harness the energy of the Fire Monkey into the year. I can definitely feel parts of it manifesting within myself and unleashing a certain fire that is mesmerizing and electrifying as the uncertainty of what is yet to reveal itself.

xx

Coat – Cheap Monday • Hat & Jeans – Topshop • Shoes – UNIF • Bag – Kara

Been thinking a lot about the new year and how it’ll unravel, been reflecting a lot on 2015 and how disorienting it is in a way that another year has flown by. 2015 was a whirlwind of sorts, I can’t even begin to tell you the countless times I myself or someone else talked me down from the ledge. How the past year I let fear paralyze me to the point where I put my health in jeopardy and found myself in the middle of nowhere, so far removed from myself. To become so enveloped by incertitude and fear is such an unnerving scenery to witness. But maybe you have to burn everything down to know where you’re coming from, assemble all the pieces from the wreckage and build yourself up again. Maybe destruction breeds a certain kind of freedom. I look at the past year and my heart is less heavy, rather it is slowly expanding. I am still terrified at times but I’ve made friends with the chaos. I think this quote sums it up perfectly:

“Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel depressed. It would never occur to us, unless we stumbled on a book or a person who explained to us, that we were in fact in the process of change, of actually becoming larger, spiritually, than we were before. Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it, as a young seed must feel the weight and inertia of the earth as it seeks to break out of its shell on its way to becoming a plant. Often the feeling is anything but pleasant. But what is most unpleasant is the not knowing what is happening. Those long periods when something inside ourselves seems to be waiting, holding its breath, unsure about what the next step should be, eventually become the periods we wait for, for it is in those periods that we realize that we are being prepared for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability, a new level of the personality is about to be revealed.”

– Alice Walker

I suppose this is some sort of strange, mystifying (and slightly uncomfortable) rebirth of mine. So this is my new venture, a platform for my process and progress, my ridiculous awkward inner monologue, a dizzying yet enchanting mess of things…

Welcome to the inside of my brain.

xx